9/11/15

Nadine didn't mind Bitsy's ears standing up the way they did. After all, she was a dog and was always on the alert, but for Carole, she insisted they be covered up by a camouflage hairstyle until they'd saved up enough money to have them pinned...

During that tough first year at Gallagher School of Illusion, Tina made many attempts to levitate her Aunt Rhonda's coffee table, but usually only managed to break a crystal ashtray or two in the process.

Their $60 perfume didn't do it, their hot new outfits from Casual Corner didn't do it and, ultimately, even Cyndi and Sherri's climbing up onto the bar at Tailgunner's didn't manage to gain the attention of any of the men who were there, even though no other girls were in sight!

Aunt Judy, Grandma Pherle and Aunt Barb were thoroughly entertained by little Kelli's cheerleading routine for the University of Michigan. Trouble was, they didn't yet realize she had a new cheer and a different set of pom-poms for every school within a 500 mile radius and was going to be performing each one in succession!

And so, as was her usual routine, Amanda stood up at the Ross's Fourth of July Bruncheon and recited "The Battle Hymn of the Republic" while Gerald played an instrumental 45 on their high-fidelity stereo.

It wasn't that they had anything against Uncle Jed or anything. It's just that a week-long stay at his mule farm was always adversely affected by the fact that they couldn't play with their skateboards or roller skates on the dirt paths and they were too far out of range to pick up any decent stations on their transistor radios.

Just because he and his fellow sailors had become shipwrecked and were running low on provisions was no reason that Andy shouldn't take a few minutes to try and even out his tan, especially that pesky area along his inner thighs...

9/9/15

Wilma felt it was only fair that since she had raised Albert from a pup and carted him everywhere for years the least he could do was grant her one piggyback ride across the back patio...

Everyone in the Dower Family felt that Deborah bore a strong resemblance to her great-grandmother Prudence, so they made her sit for a photo next to an old portrait to prove their point.

Jessica couldn't figure out which to be more ecstatic about; the fact that Jerry was back from his tour of duty in Alaska or that he'd brought her back a coat with polar bear trim!

Though they knew in their hearts that it shouldn't really matter, Herman and Lily Munster were more than a little bothered that, as Eddie grew up, he was spending more and more time down the street at The Wattersons', perhaps because, unlike at his home, they had an in-ground swimming pool instead of a moat.

Simone felt dazzling in her new hostess gown for her night job down at The Shiny Knob and could already hear the whistles, though it turned out to be only Ferdie getting restless in his birdcage...

They practically had to drag Hedda to the campsite because she was convinced she wouldn't have any fun, but once there she was able to participate in every activity including volleyball.

9/4/15

And so another pleasant beach party was wrecked because someone invited Doreen, who wore a whorey-looking two-piece swimsuit and even hiked it up during this group photo!

Given the choice of sitting on either the cushioned ottoman or the severe mid-century modern patio chair, Felice opted to sit on Garry...

Raymond could never understand why it always seemed to be during a key moment of "Highway Patrol" that Roseanne and Gloria began to start their foolishness, ultimately tickling until he missed the finale.

Ramon did a pretty decent job of figuring out what Roslyn wanted on her plate for supper, but he was never able to figure out what to serve cuddle bear, which annoyed her to no end since she'd told him over and over what options were good.

After the first day of crossing the Alps into Switzerland, Maria put her foot down and told Georg she wanted an easier route, especially in the shoes she'd just bought, so he and the older children carved out a passageway for some of the riskier sections of terrain...

The first thing Rip Van Winkle wanted to do upon waking up was take part in a spirited game of rugby, but since he didn't even stop to have a cup of coffee, his batteries were running low only a few minutes in!

Every morning, Peter would head into the courtyard and compare his physique to the impeccable statue there he used as inspiration, but somehow he just never seemed to measure up...

9/2/15

Troy took a lot of ribbing from his pals over his focus on Soviet History at college, earning the nickname "Pinko," but, as shown here, the only thing pink about him was his undies...

Madelyn had really put on the dog that Christmas Eve because she was told that one of her friends was bringing the King of Spain as a guest, but it turned out she'd misunderstood them because they'd been suffering from a cold.

Lydia had no intention whatsoever of letting that unending string of holiday goodies settle on to her fanny, so bright and early December 26th, she was up and listening to her Jack LaLanne album "Glamour Stretcher Time!"

After eighteen solid minutes of attempting to get her candles to stay upright in the holder she'd bought on sale at Macy's, Judi finally gave up entirely, but not without something of a tantrum.

All of the Marzettis were excited for little Bettina's birthday except Ezio Jr, who couldn't for the life of him understand what all the fuss was about!

Distraught after discovering that the Rankefellow Center fountain was constructed without the features he'd called for in the blueprints, architect Marc Trevi hopped into it and demonstrated just what it was he'd had in mind all along!

8/31/15

Of all nights, Tracee had to pick this one to burn her hand on her curling iron, preventing her from rolling her bangs the way Donna, Debi and Sandi did, but nevertheless all the gals had a blast at the Ratt concert.

All the residents of Slickham County said that rain on a wedding day was "lucky," but they may not have had in mind Connie's outdoor nuptials in which the ground turned to mire and mud pies caked to the bottom of her prairie gown (complete with iron-on lace detailing...)

Anytime a new hand (such as Donnie) was hired on at the Double-B Ranch, Roscoe liked to have him over to his office for a three-finger shot of Jim Beam and find out what he was made of.

Hortense was delighted by her new beach ensemble, picked up at the duty free store on the way to Venezuela, but found out the hard way that the severe South American sun could still make its way through the pinholes of her hat and her cover up!

All the other ladies at Helpmann Haus held a secret ballot and decided that Freda has the most attractively polished doorknob in the building, so she was gifted with this bouquet and had her name published in the monthly newsletter!

And so in that one startling moment as his mommy Julie Anne was dressing for lunch, Samuel was made to understand the marvelous usage, spatial displacement and cosmetic benefits of control-top pantyhose...

8/28/15

Millicent could not wait to tear into her plethora of wedding gifts right after the ceremony, but Josh the groom knew from the experience of his older sister's wedding that despite all the bounty, 40% of the items were going to be either Proctor-Silex toasters or can openers...

Tonio wanted so much to slide right from the ocean up onto the sand like Frankie Avalon did in the movies, but instead wound up on his back with broken shells and seaweed thrust into his trunks!

Bettina and Horace Applebaum were so ecstatic over their fifth wedding anniversary that they went down to Burkmeister's Studio for a portrait sitting.

Sylvia and the kids were so involved in trying to get the fondue to the right temperature, taste-testing it over and over, that they completely forgot to feed Aunt Mabel, who wound up having to eat a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with a handful of Fritos before heading off to bed.

Karol and Stu adored Christmas so much, but found that life in Tampa during December lacked that holiday feel, so they bedecked their potted plant with garland and exchanged all their shell decor for candles, ornaments and poinsettias.

The Hackmans always knew that sooner or later they were going to have to break down and fix the foundation on the east side of their house, but after this get-together, in which Shelley and Allen's drinks kept sliding off the coffee table, they finally made an appointment with a contractor.

It took Renato forty minutes to find his special place on the beach, but only forty seconds to find that special place on his chest...

8/26/15

All of The Kriepmores believed that Lila would be thrilled to meet Santa Claus in person and couldn't understand her hesitation in warming up to the legendarily cuddly old soul...

One of the less-publicized aspects of Ronald McDonald was his home life with wife Janet and their five children Rona, Robbie, Randy, Renee and Ron Jr.

After such a long day on the lake, Jack Treacher couldn't wait to get back to the camp and fix lunch. Literally, could. not. wait...

Everyone thought that Bert's removal of Joyceanne's garters was a ceremonial ritual, but in actuality he was taking them in the hopes of holding up his own pesky, droopy dress socks!

Since everyone else in the house seemed to be glued to all the TV shows in the new fall line-up, it fell to Simone to help little Clint learn to walk...

The reception was a fun and festive one, though most of the guests had to agree that it was just a little bit indecent for Mark to lick all the icing off of Bernadette's fingers right there in the hall during the cutting of the cake.

8/24/15

Annaliese became sick and tired of the pesky, 1/4" tan lines where her bottom met her thighs and decided to devote one entire afternoon to getting rid of them.

As The Anderson's bi-weekly Key Party dwindled to its frenzied conclusion, Arthur suddenly realized that the numbers were a little off and he was more than likely going to end up either alone or with Myron Wilkerson!

One of Jerry's favorite ways to spend an evening was to pile up on the couch with Darwin, pop open a cool one and settle in for an hour of "B.J. and the Bear."

If you caught her in the right frame of mind towards the tail end of a party, Meredith was only too happy to demonstrate the tassel routine that had made her the hit of the Tit for Tat Club in Brestleton, Kansas when her name was Misti Springs.

Life on board the S.S. Gateway was always festive, but never more so than when Captain Merrill threw a Halloween wing-ding that was the talk of the ship for the next 364 days...

Regardless of how long it had taken him to grow it, Reuben was starting to tire of having his beard interfere with his line of vision during snorkeling trips, not to mention rides on amusement park roller coasters, so he finally decided it was time to clip it off for good.