11/21/14

As a member of one of Johnstown's leading families, Charlie Highwater felt it was his duty to help any fellow residents in need. So after church, he put on these trousers to head down to Fathom Street where sandbags were currently about to give way to a rising river...

Everyone agreed that this year's Keno Club holiday pageant was far and away the most festive, so a decision was made to book Santa and the Clausettes for two more years in advance!

Somehow, without even their realizing it, repeated unintentional meetings on the same park bench involving back issues of Science Digest, pigeon feeding, word search puzzles and the occasional bead-stringing had ultimately led to a passionate maelstrom of overwhelming lust between Sherman and Denise.

Whenever the urge took them, Kurt and Helga would burst into a spirited polka, always taking care not to knock over any of her doll collection. Unfortunately, no such precautions were ever considered when it came to the wall sconce....

Regardless of the fact that their sofa was quite comfy, Armando, Dolores and their daughter Marguerite preferred to pile onto the armchair because it afforded a far better angle when viewing the newest episodes of "The Adventures of Zorro" on their portable 17" Philco television.

As they headed into the hotel elevator on the way to their reception, Marnie and Ted were so concerned that her veil not be caught in the doors that they forgot to pay careful attention to the bottom of her bouquet! Thus, visitors to the lobby were greeted with an unplanned petal-strewn trail leading from the elevator up to the banquet hall entrance!

11/19/14

Cliffy wasn't content to merely be a daredevil tricyclist. He also insisted on total color coordination when it came to his riding gear, which is why his birthday request was for a blue and purple, "pleather," one-piece, zip-up jumpsuit...

Cindy Ann adored her new holiday coat, hat and gloves ensemble so much that she declined to take any part of it off during the family feast. It really only became a problem when she attempted to finish off a turkey wing with her hands and wound up mussing her angora-clad fingertips.

Jennifer's miniature friend Dustin never let his size stand in the way of a sterling athletic career. The only difference between him and other divers was that he could take off into the pool from the top of her head, rather than the diving board and no one was ever hurt!

Renaldo loved to squirrel hunt in the bright of day, but sunglasses interfered with his predatory vision, so he often resorted to a jaunty hat that shaded some of the rays from his delicate peepers...

Whenever any sort of guest was invited to The Winstons' annual get-together for Thanksgiving, they never seemed to grasp the fact, until actually sitting down to dinner, that Aunt Betty's specialty was in fact "ashed potatoes," not mashed potatoes.

No one at Amalgamated Machines, Inc. was more polite, bubbly or efficient than Ethel. The little-known reason for this was that behind her wall mirror was a medicine cabinet stocked tight with tiny little airline-size bottles of vodka, gin and the occasional tequila...

11/17/14

True, Reena may now have been living in Hermitage, Pennsylvania, but that was no reason at all to forget her roots as a foundling who was discovered at age seven living as a feral child in The Allegheny Mountains and raised by the local wildlife.

As the phone call wore on, Carol began to get frustrated as to why the folks at Parcheesi Pizza refused to make her one baked with sandwich pickles and topped with a scoop of vanilla when, after all, she was the one paying for it and having to eat it!

Alberta and Velma Sue had been so reluctant to stay over that first night at Coyote Jack's Mountain Retreat, but as they reached the end of their five-night trip they were surprised at the great time they had and they found themselves sad at having to say goodbye. 

Everything had been great fun at Six Flags Over Crittenden amusement park until Pam decided she needed to use the facilities near the Tipsy-Twirl. Her instantaneous review of the rest room said it all...

Barney was hell-bent on having a family portrait taken even though Emmaline thought it was a tad too soon after the babies were born to do so. Moments after the photographer arrived to set up the shot, the pups made their hunger known, but Barney wasn't about to flinch from his own carefully chosen pose...

Wilma Lou adored going to Lasting Shellac Ladies Salon and choosing a new coiffure from the many options offered to her. Strangely, it didn't bother her at all, though, when operators such as Cerene sent her on her way with a look that bore no relation to the one she'd selected from the example photographs...

11/14/14

Cocktail parties at The Scrimptons were always a delight but for one thing... folks like Susan could NEVER get a refill on their drink and would often become parched as the night wore on!

Under the threat of a completely destroyed hairdo, Chris struggled heartily with Pat to avoid being picked up and dunked into the surf at Listing Frond Beach.

Amber didn't care if it was Arbor Day and that she was signed up to help her neighbors replant some oak and maple saplings, she made it a habit never to leave the house without her hair hot-rolled and her nails done...

With two kids in the second pew and another one on the way, Verdelle knew that she'd be laughed out of the church if she wore white during her wedding to Lamar, so she opted for a pepto-pink lace overlay to help shut down any smack talk during the big day.

And it was like this that Ambrose stood frozen from the time Mrs. Gaines left until the moment she returned from town with a new crate of Ken-L Ration.

The photo shoot with Shelly and the boys lasted from 10:00am until long past lunch, which wound up causing Terrence to make an appetizer out of Adam's forearm!

11/12/14

Penelope was in charge of the school cafeteria's mashed potato output until it was discovered that only 45% of them were making their way to the food line. After this, she was transferred to succotash and, eventually, silverware-napkin rolling.

Ladawn was bemused but cooperative when Richie had her recreate the Mona Lisa, annoyed but compliant when he asked her to stand next to him and recreate American Gothic, but there was no way in hell she was going to replicate this latest piece of artwork he had unearthed!

Everyone except Fern had an assigned duty during the annual baking of the Beam Sisters' Pecan Bourbon Gem cookies, but that's because she typically finished off any leftover booze from the bottle and needed to stand close to a wall for support...

The Stickler Family went further than most when toilet training their young. For example, Amy Lee was instructed to wipe more than just herself clean after a visit to "the chair!"

What seemed like a simple (not to mention safe!) croquet shot by Millie nonetheless took a side-winding leap which required George to pay an unexpected and costly Saturday afternoon visit to Dr. Duncan Davis Jr., the town optometrist...

While on the surface it seemed as if Melody was good-natured about her growing doll collection, it was later revealed that those who acted out of turn or sassed her back wound up hanging indefinitely with a hook in its back until such time when it might behave properly again!

11/10/14

Randall was proud of Cherie for cutting back to two packs a day of unfiltered Camels during her pregnancy and figured she'd be down to one by the time her third trimester rolled around...

And so this fateful fourth time in which Myron left the gate to The Nevada Memorial Zoo open finally led to his dismissal...

Eileen was in such a frenzy to throw on her mink and get to the theatre that she accidentally ran the family room curtain rod through the back of her hair. Fortunately, her coiffure survived the collision, but they did have to go and get new hardware for the window.

Celeste adored her new sectional, complete with built-in end table, from Swallen's so much that it didn't bother her at all that she and any guests who might drop by would have to walk onto the hearth of the fireplace in order to enter the living room.

Now a full three weeks since her husband Henry's disappearance, Ione served up yet another of her hearty Sunday evening dinners for friends and family. She just had to keep reminding herself to say, "Ham... yes, this is ham!"

It wasn't just that Jan provided companionship and conversation when Reggie took her out on his cycle for a long drive up the coast. It was also that she proved helpful in combing out all the gnats, fleas, mosquitoes and other insects that found themselves tangled in his beard and chest hair after a lengthy jaunt!

11/7/14

Herman had managed to drop 63 pounds on The Scarsdale Medical Diet, though close friends were eventually beginning to start ribbing him to occasionally have a cracker or two...

Harry and Marsha always looked forward to Christmas time because it commemorated that very first meeting of theirs under the mistletoe.  You see, Marsha's hair had become caught in it and Harry was kind enough to step in to detangle it (and the two had been entangled ever since!)

One thing Darin loved about The Frothy Ratskeller Bed & Breakfast was that not only did their beer have impressive suds, but each morning, the staff made sure that each paying customer who was still standing got treated to more suds of another kind.

Ever skeptical, Tommy had to be taken down to the Berle Museum of Human Achievement in order to be convinced that a man had once laughed his guts out while viewing Texaco Star Theatre on television.

As much as Lauralee was digging her turn on the dance floor with Jerry, she had to pull away a few moments later because she'd promised to help mist Lenore's hat with ice water every 30 minutes or so to keep it fresh...

That trip from the doorway, across the porch, down the steps and onto the sidewalk was unquestionably the most adventurous that little Craig had ever experienced, thanks to the boisterous steering and velocity that his brothers, Rocky and Cliff, had provided for his carriage!

11/5/14

Stefano had been seeing both Gina and Ramona Fallducci over the course of the summer and chose November 1st as the day he would finally decide which one to stick with... Let's just say that only one of the gals walked away from this precipice....

Emmaline found life at the Kenya Animal Preserve a great deal more civilized and with more modern conveniences than she'd originally expected. It's just that getting ready for dinner in front of an audience took some getting used to...

Knowing that she had to see Mel off at the airport from the runway itself, Gwen opted for two coats of Move-Knott Ultra Mist hairspray, lest her newly-coiffed style would be punished by the backdraft of nearby jet engines.

Before committing to another pregnancy, Veronica tested the waters of Jeffrey's compatibility to a new sibling by introducing him to a small baby doll. After krazy-gluing the ear back on, she opted to wait another six months before trying it again.

Realizing that it would thrill young Ira to bits, Rosalie got up extra early Christmas morning and slipped into the living room just in time to see Santa Claus squatting before the fireplace, ready to ascend and head to the next home.

What would have been a monumental moment for Valerie was spoiled when she overheard her soon-to-be mother-in-law Stella Fae remarking to her relatives that Valerie was a terrible cook whose best moments in the kitchen involved a foil tray and a toaster oven!

11/3/14

Janice was so happy that Kermit and Ronda showed up for dinner a couple of weeks before Christmas as she always relied on Kermit to supply the tree-topper. This year, he even managed to ensure that the BB pellets landed in the back of the bird, so it would still look great from the front!

Poor Evelyn really did think that the cardboard paddle fans in the Historic Salem Gift Shoppe were complimentary and as it was such a warm afternoon, she took one, but it wound up costing her dearly in the end...

No mere paper route as an after-school job for Renee. She was hired on as the pre-suppertime Western Union telegram delivery girl down at The Raleigh Arms Hotel, where her skill at announcing names later developed into a semi-career as St. Catherine's principle Bingo caller.

No one believed Farfel when he said that the barn was on fire, nor when he claimed that the river was rising, but if The Dennysons wanted to survive this oncoming grizzly bear attack, they'd better listen up and run for cover quickly!!

Shiny the Clown thought having a large pillar candle instead of a dinky one might help Ramon to be able to blow it out on his birthday, but along with the height and girth came a larger wick and the flame was simply too powerful for his slobbery little wheezes to eliminate!

Hiram didn't believe it should take so long for little boys to become men, so he signed up his grandson Greg at the naval academy, sharing a quick pipe smoke together before the bus departed...