4/29/15

Summers at Aunt Hildegarde's hilltop chalet and pond were a delight for Fritz and Evadne, but the one downside was Hildegarde's insistence on practicing her two-handed ventriloquist act on the twosome in between Wiener Schnitzel and swimming.

One of the more innovative dentistry practices of the early-1900s was the Barker-Sawyer D.D.S. Partnership, in which Dr. Sawyer (on the right) would tie one end of a string around a patient's loose or diseased tooth and the other end around a sturdy stick. He's then toss the stick to the other end of the room, which is where Barker came into play and aided in the removal of the offending chopper.

Jerry was honored to the be the very first beau of Jane to be permitted inside her house, though, since the family still didn't quite know or trust him, they still made certain to put a chair in place to prevent him from getting too perilously close to their treasured what-not shelves.

Even after his accident, Hedwig was eager to take in the sights and sounds of the beach and, fortunately for him, his fiancee Greta was willing to assist him with this desire...

Even though she'd long since been let go from her job as a prize spokesmodel on the 1940s game show "The Price is Close," Carole Jan still liked to strike a pose in the driveway next to the car if Rudy had his camera handy.

Folks consistently tried to suggest to Verna that perhaps her living room walls were a bit sparsely decorated and bereft of color, but she insisted that they had everything necessary to make for an eye-catching room...

4/27/15

Even though it resigned her to a spring break week of fumbling her way down corridors and groping through dark nightclubs, Renee finally had to accept what her friends had been telling her for ten minutes: She was never going to be able to find her contact lenses in the ocean after accidentally opening her eyes beneath a wave...

Every week it was the same old story, Mary Beth would finally finish the dinner dishes and sit down to watch "The Fugitive" only to be aggravated and interrupted by her husband and kids, but this time she got the better of them with her homemade Benedryl Chicken Soup, which allowed her to watch the entire ABC Tuesday night line-up and even the 11:00 news!

Shalimar patiently bided her time, for she knew that in just two or three more minutes Roberta would be deep-enough asleep that she could finally get her chance to wear the wig for a while and strut along the fireplace mantle, admiring herself in the mirror above it with every step...

They said it couldn't be done, but Carly really showed them. She was able to change out the alternator, the power steering column and the fan belt of her '87 Ford Taurus all by herself! Then she promptly drove it right through the closed garage door...

Suzanne had excelled in most of the classes at Edgemont School for Girls, but had to settle for a D in Equestrian training because against Bunky the horse trainer's express orders, she simply refused to wear a helmet.

Venecia adored her new assortment of Dean Vittay bath and beauty products and especially enjoyed the shampoo, which she could use on her wig while still getting to watch "Edge of Night" without the worry of soap in her eyes.

He definitely had a couple more months in front of him before he would finally master the technique, but even at this early stage Leroy knew in his heart that a lifetime of auto-fellatio was just around the corner!

4/24/15

Having made off with $8,650 from the Bank of Marshall County in West Virginia, Connie and Clive were just far enough ahead of the sheriff that they could stop at the state line and thumb their nose at him before reaching immunity.

Sarah Furterer had the good fortune to be heir to her father Frank's family business and once she'd gotten a handle on exactly what it took to operate a wiener company, he knew she'd rise to the occasion and be a sturdy leader for the company.

It all seemed so innocent to Roz at first, just hold out some bits of shortbread for the local fauna from the back stoop... but once they made their way inside, things got ugly with their droppings on the living room carpet and hoof holes in most of the walls. Then there was that incident with her husband George and the wayward antler...

File photo from the Rosedale, Maryland police and fire rescue archive, taken moments before the candles on her Uncle Wally's birthday cake set Tracy Larkin's lacquered bouffant on fire. 

And so Dale learned the hard way not to combine birthday gifts while playing, since his ventriloquist dummy Myron kept giving him terrible directions that never even allowed him to make it out of the living room on his tricycle!

One of Sylvie and Weeona's favorite places to visit was Crampano Beach, though it never seemed to fail that there was a decided lack of available lounge chairs, making it an often snug day by the shore and providing some unusual tan lines in the process!

It did take eleven minutes for her to locate it and reach exactly the angle she wanted, but in the end Clarice did find the pool jet that put a smile on her face for the rest of the afternoon.

4/22/15

During The Fedderson's first encounter with Sasquatch, only Sebastian was brave enough to slink forward and attempt to make contact. Negotiations failed, however, when the temptation to raise his hind leg and relieve himself on the beast became too great to resist!

Although it was clear that Raymond was more than proud of his home decor, once Marvin, the photographer from House Adequate, arrived on the scene, it was clear that a few changes were going to have to be made...

Viola's mother raised her with one serious piece of advice, "Always keep your man happy in the kitchen!" Viola never did learn to cook, so she had to come up with other ways to spread happiness for Bud in that centerpiece of the home.

The last time Midge ran the electric mixer on high, she wound up with little flecks of mashed potato in her hair. Since this would never do with Kermit due over for dinner in just ten minutes, she came up with an ingenious stop-gap solution for little snafus such as this!

Both Bithia and Arleen agreed that swim caps were necessary for protecting their coiffures during mid-afternoon swims.  Yet by the time their fourth cosmopolitans made their way down their gullets, such niceties began to seem less important to them...

Along about mid-Egypt on Christmas Eve, Rudolph could no longer take the heat, so Santa had to give him a rest and cover part of the route with the aid of Chester the Brown-Nosed Camel.

4/20/15

For her very first attempt at topless sunbathing, Cynthia wanted almost total privacy, so Bert set her up at the farthest reaches of their property line. Unfortunately, there were so many tall trees around that within seven minutes, she was completely coated in shade...

The four previous track & filed coaches at Strainmore High had resigned because they were uncomfortable with the mandatory uniform, but Butch Sanzabelt had no issues at all with that. Not only did he feel he did it justice, but he also had a feeling it would attract appealing female onlookers at practice.

The minute Terrence stepped into Felicia's artfully-decorated living room, he whipped out his camera and exclaimed that he simply had to get a photo of that amazing-looking bust! Felicia, however, misunderstood, thinking it was her own that he was referring to!

Margie and Lew Monochrome were elated to finally have people over to celebrate 40th anniversary and Margie still remembered that first glimpse of Lew in his beautiful blue shirt, blue pants, blue socks and blue suede loafers....

It had been a joyous, if sparsely-attended birthday party for only child Jonathan, but he did receive The Waltons board game he'd asked for. And as soon as he made a friend of two, he intended to play it!

All the guys were hepped up for the first ever Guadalcanal Dinner Dance, though the already muddy dance floor eventually became ankle-deep after the first half-dozen or so songs!

4/17/15

It took Karla and Suzanne a full week of "business" being down before they realized that maybe they'd chosen the wrong corner at which to sell their goods. Once they avoided the bait shop, they really got rolling again!

Knowing that Frank would be brandishing his Instamatic camera at The Kovack Christmas Cocktail Party, Sheila and Mary Ann limited themselves to only two Zesta saltines with a sliced cherry tomato apiece so that they'd come out lithe in the snapshots.

As his wife Melinda continued to regale everyone with remarks about how wimpy and useless her husband was, Wally considered whether or not to tap her on the shoulder to remind her that he was, after all, sitting right there!

Eager to avoid a lawsuit after Paco their poodle bit part of the ankle off of door-to-door vacuum cleaner salesman Kirby Hoover, The Klophenheimers (Paco included) soothed him with a cool, refreshing sidecar, a delicious helping of chicken ala king and a relaxing shoulder massage...

Evelyn had been through this before with prankster George and, thus, refused to comply when he kept urging her to "scoot back" again and again during this portrait at Vizcaya.

As the family photo albums confirmed, the die was cast long ago for Freddie. It seemed preordained from the time Carolee moved in across the street that she'd be leading him by the nose in every situation from their first meeting to their first date to their eventual wedding.

4/15/15

In her advanced years, Sadie needed help keeping her head warm and her eyesight began to fail, too, but with the aid of a dining room chair, she still liked to peer out the front window and bark like hell at the mailman and other neighborhood delivery folk!

Mother's Day was Agatha's favorite holiday, provided that - such as in this case - it happened that Kari, Fran and Sam were all released from their respective correctional facilities and were holding down jobs.

Lem's Diner had a very strict policy regarding hair for the waitresses. It needed to be big and it needed to be stiff, so that it was never in danger of landing in the food. Fortunately Suzette was on hand to help bang the newbies like Ramona into shape before the breakfast shift began.

This was the third doggone time that The Jorgensons had come over for coffee forty-five minutes early and caught Ronetta in her nightgown! In the future, she would tack on and extra hour to the designated arrival time so that she'd be good and ready to entertain.

Charlie loved his new tricycle, as well as his train and other gifts, but what he'd really wanted the most, he got: a baby brother! Unfortunately, little Wilford had been sitting under the tree long enough to develop the need for a serious diaper change!

Marlene could tell from her office window that it was going to be far too beautiful a day to stay inside, so she had Leroy the maintenance man rig her phone up to where she could answer the calls down at Furrow-Brow Insurance from the front steps!

4/13/15

Abigail had been such a loud, fussy baby that Mr. and Mrs. Serling decided to expose her more to their older daughter Tina, who was far more sedate and reasonable to deal with, hoping that some of Tina's attributes might rub off on her...

Ronnieclare only had two and a half hours until her first hoedown (and an hour and fifteen minutes of that would be spent unrolling, teasing and spraying her hair!), so she invited Sandra over to give her a few quick pointers on how to square dance.

Ray Bob the wedding coordinator had given strict instructions that there be no dancing at Carleen and Dunk's reception prior to the cutting of the cake because he knew that the guests would kick up a lot of dust that would leave a fine layer all over the icing, but since one of the fiddlers struck up "The Devil Went Down to Georgia" just prior to the salad course, all bets were off!

His brother Sheridan and mama Carnelle were so focused on smiling for the camera that they entirely missed what Tony saw: a hobo coming up onto the front porch and using one of the potted holly bushes as a place to relieve himself!

Well, the results were in and it was quite clear to Howie that the new wall color and decor for his nursery (a forest animal theme) was simply not going to cut it...

Chester wanted to do everything the same as his owner Burt, so on hot days delivering crates of cardboard and other paper supplies, he donned his own little hat with a brim on it, to keep the sun out of his eyes.