11/26/14

Happy Thanksgiving!

On a Thanksgiving Day when already nothing whatsoever went according to plan, Opal watched in horror as Howard grabbed the turkey leg that didn't have the cyanide in it, meaning she'd have to do some quick thinking between now and dessert time...

No one was sad to see Velma Jo go when she left the family to run off with a shoe salesman, but Aunt Eloise took it particularly badly and proceeded to eliminate her from all family photographs.

As the kids pulled into the driveway, Mrs. Reynolds took one last look at the holiday table and wondered a) if the champagne was going to be cold enough and b) if it was appropriate to bring the turkey to the table with all the foil still around it.

As Gary and Chip prepared for their annual "Friendsgiving," Gary hoped that the male stripper dressed as a pilgrim would be able to find their house on such a wooded street.

Everyone was so involved in the "Friendsgiving" festivities at Chip and Gary's house that no one remembered to keep Todd away from the sour cream & onion dip, which he was prone to play tricks with!

Karen was so controlling in every way that she wouldn't allow Bryan to carve the turkey alone and insisted on guiding him through each and every slice until most of the rest of the dinner was cold!

11/24/14

Anticipation grew thick as Vonda interrupted her bridal shower to open a surprise, special delivery package from her fiance's ex-girlfriend Lizzie. Dread set in, though, as bridesmaid Kelly noticed some deep red leakage along the bottom of the box...

Paige was so elated to have a break from school after months of hitting the books and sprawled onto the floor to read the Sunday comics. It had been a good month and a half since she'd last seen Rex Morgan, M.D. and she was dying to finally find out whether Mrs. Quinlan had a deadly disease or not. (Morgan had begun to open the envelope with the test results, the last time she'd looked!)

It was very, very close and Margaret Ann nearly overtook Sarah in the annual sack race. Unfortunately, as was discovered later, she had accidentally left a fair amount of potatoes in the bottom of her sack!

Rare publicity photo of Carbon Banana, the initial headliner at Crosstown Heights' supper club, The Furry Coconut. After underwhelming the patrons with a less-than-dazzling performance, a replacement act was hired on immediately.

An otherwise delightful birthday celebration was spoiled when Mary Agnes failed to receive the mini Royal Doulton figurine she'd requested to balance out her what-not shelf and instead had to settles for a "crummy" charm bracelet and necklace...

As Mrs. Whitehead cut the cake for dessert, she and her husband agreed that Bud's girlfriend Trixie, who'd shown up for dinner in electric blue sequins paired with a fuchsia ostrich feather boa and a tangerine beret, was probably not the type of girl they wished to add to the family...

11/21/14

As a member of one of Johnstown's leading families, Charlie Highwater felt it was his duty to help any fellow residents in need. So after church, he put on these trousers to head down to Fathom Street where sandbags were currently about to give way to a rising river...

Everyone agreed that this year's Keno Club holiday pageant was far and away the most festive, so a decision was made to book Santa and the Clausettes for two more years in advance!

Somehow, without even their realizing it, repeated unintentional meetings on the same park bench involving back issues of Science Digest, pigeon feeding, word search puzzles and the occasional bead-stringing had ultimately led to a passionate maelstrom of overwhelming lust between Sherman and Denise.

Whenever the urge took them, Kurt and Helga would burst into a spirited polka, always taking care not to knock over any of her doll collection. Unfortunately, no such precautions were ever considered when it came to the wall sconce....

Regardless of the fact that their sofa was quite comfy, Armando, Dolores and their daughter Marguerite preferred to pile onto the armchair because it afforded a far better angle when viewing the newest episodes of "The Adventures of Zorro" on their portable 17" Philco television.

As they headed into the hotel elevator on the way to their reception, Marnie and Ted were so concerned that her veil not be caught in the doors that they forgot to pay careful attention to the bottom of her bouquet! Thus, visitors to the lobby were greeted with an unplanned petal-strewn trail leading from the elevator up to the banquet hall entrance!

11/19/14

Cliffy wasn't content to merely be a daredevil tricyclist. He also insisted on total color coordination when it came to his riding gear, which is why his birthday request was for a blue and purple, "pleather," one-piece, zip-up jumpsuit...

Cindy Ann adored her new holiday coat, hat and gloves ensemble so much that she declined to take any part of it off during the family feast. It really only became a problem when she attempted to finish off a turkey wing with her hands and wound up mussing her angora-clad fingertips.

Jennifer's miniature friend Dustin never let his size stand in the way of a sterling athletic career. The only difference between him and other divers was that he could take off into the pool from the top of her head, rather than the diving board and no one was ever hurt!

Renaldo loved to squirrel hunt in the bright of day, but sunglasses interfered with his predatory vision, so he often resorted to a jaunty hat that shaded some of the rays from his delicate peepers...

Whenever any sort of guest was invited to The Winstons' annual get-together for Thanksgiving, they never seemed to grasp the fact, until actually sitting down to dinner, that Aunt Betty's specialty was in fact "ashed potatoes," not mashed potatoes.

No one at Amalgamated Machines, Inc. was more polite, bubbly or efficient than Ethel. The little-known reason for this was that behind her wall mirror was a medicine cabinet stocked tight with tiny little airline-size bottles of vodka, gin and the occasional tequila...

11/17/14

True, Reena may now have been living in Hermitage, Pennsylvania, but that was no reason at all to forget her roots as a foundling who was discovered at age seven living as a feral child in The Allegheny Mountains and raised by the local wildlife.

As the phone call wore on, Carol began to get frustrated as to why the folks at Parcheesi Pizza refused to make her one baked with sandwich pickles and topped with a scoop of vanilla when, after all, she was the one paying for it and having to eat it!

Alberta and Velma Sue had been so reluctant to stay over that first night at Coyote Jack's Mountain Retreat, but as they reached the end of their five-night trip they were surprised at the great time they had and they found themselves sad at having to say goodbye. 

Everything had been great fun at Six Flags Over Crittenden amusement park until Pam decided she needed to use the facilities near the Tipsy-Twirl. Her instantaneous review of the rest room said it all...

Barney was hell-bent on having a family portrait taken even though Emmaline thought it was a tad too soon after the babies were born to do so. Moments after the photographer arrived to set up the shot, the pups made their hunger known, but Barney wasn't about to flinch from his own carefully chosen pose...

Wilma Lou adored going to Lasting Shellac Ladies Salon and choosing a new coiffure from the many options offered to her. Strangely, it didn't bother her at all, though, when operators such as Cerene sent her on her way with a look that bore no relation to the one she'd selected from the example photographs...

11/14/14

Cocktail parties at The Scrimptons were always a delight but for one thing... folks like Susan could NEVER get a refill on their drink and would often become parched as the night wore on!

Under the threat of a completely destroyed hairdo, Chris struggled heartily with Pat to avoid being picked up and dunked into the surf at Listing Frond Beach.

Amber didn't care if it was Arbor Day and that she was signed up to help her neighbors replant some oak and maple saplings, she made it a habit never to leave the house without her hair hot-rolled and her nails done...

With two kids in the second pew and another one on the way, Verdelle knew that she'd be laughed out of the church if she wore white during her wedding to Lamar, so she opted for a pepto-pink lace overlay to help shut down any smack talk during the big day.

And it was like this that Ambrose stood frozen from the time Mrs. Gaines left until the moment she returned from town with a new crate of Ken-L Ration.

The photo shoot with Shelly and the boys lasted from 10:00am until long past lunch, which wound up causing Terrence to make an appetizer out of Adam's forearm!

11/12/14

Penelope was in charge of the school cafeteria's mashed potato output until it was discovered that only 45% of them were making their way to the food line. After this, she was transferred to succotash and, eventually, silverware-napkin rolling.

Ladawn was bemused but cooperative when Richie had her recreate the Mona Lisa, annoyed but compliant when he asked her to stand next to him and recreate American Gothic, but there was no way in hell she was going to replicate this latest piece of artwork he had unearthed!

Everyone except Fern had an assigned duty during the annual baking of the Beam Sisters' Pecan Bourbon Gem cookies, but that's because she typically finished off any leftover booze from the bottle and needed to stand close to a wall for support...

The Stickler Family went further than most when toilet training their young. For example, Amy Lee was instructed to wipe more than just herself clean after a visit to "the chair!"

What seemed like a simple (not to mention safe!) croquet shot by Millie nonetheless took a side-winding leap which required George to pay an unexpected and costly Saturday afternoon visit to Dr. Duncan Davis Jr., the town optometrist...

While on the surface it seemed as if Melody was good-natured about her growing doll collection, it was later revealed that those who acted out of turn or sassed her back wound up hanging indefinitely with a hook in its back until such time when it might behave properly again!

11/10/14

Randall was proud of Cherie for cutting back to two packs a day of unfiltered Camels during her pregnancy and figured she'd be down to one by the time her third trimester rolled around...

And so this fateful fourth time in which Myron left the gate to The Nevada Memorial Zoo open finally led to his dismissal...

Eileen was in such a frenzy to throw on her mink and get to the theatre that she accidentally ran the family room curtain rod through the back of her hair. Fortunately, her coiffure survived the collision, but they did have to go and get new hardware for the window.

Celeste adored her new sectional, complete with built-in end table, from Swallen's so much that it didn't bother her at all that she and any guests who might drop by would have to walk onto the hearth of the fireplace in order to enter the living room.

Now a full three weeks since her husband Henry's disappearance, Ione served up yet another of her hearty Sunday evening dinners for friends and family. She just had to keep reminding herself to say, "Ham... yes, this is ham!"

It wasn't just that Jan provided companionship and conversation when Reggie took her out on his cycle for a long drive up the coast. It was also that she proved helpful in combing out all the gnats, fleas, mosquitoes and other insects that found themselves tangled in his beard and chest hair after a lengthy jaunt!

11/7/14

Herman had managed to drop 63 pounds on The Scarsdale Medical Diet, though close friends were eventually beginning to start ribbing him to occasionally have a cracker or two...

Harry and Marsha always looked forward to Christmas time because it commemorated that very first meeting of theirs under the mistletoe.  You see, Marsha's hair had become caught in it and Harry was kind enough to step in to detangle it (and the two had been entangled ever since!)

One thing Darin loved about The Frothy Ratskeller Bed & Breakfast was that not only did their beer have impressive suds, but each morning, the staff made sure that each paying customer who was still standing got treated to more suds of another kind.

Ever skeptical, Tommy had to be taken down to the Berle Museum of Human Achievement in order to be convinced that a man had once laughed his guts out while viewing Texaco Star Theatre on television.

As much as Lauralee was digging her turn on the dance floor with Jerry, she had to pull away a few moments later because she'd promised to help mist Lenore's hat with ice water every 30 minutes or so to keep it fresh...

That trip from the doorway, across the porch, down the steps and onto the sidewalk was unquestionably the most adventurous that little Craig had ever experienced, thanks to the boisterous steering and velocity that his brothers, Rocky and Cliff, had provided for his carriage!